Where have I been?

Hello. So have you been wondering where I’ve been? No need to worry anymore, I’m here. I’m back. Well, at least for today anyway!

What’s been going on, huh? Have you been wondering why there haven’t been any blog posts from me? To be honest, I hope so. I hope you’ve missed me. I’ve missed you. Really, I have.

I suppose you would like some more honesty, huh? Okay, here goes.

I guess I have to admit I’ve been avoiding posting anything because things, well, haven’t been the best lately. Meaning, I started gaining. I am not sure what happened. Well, other than the fact that I kind of lost control for awhile. For some reason or another, I adopted the nope-I-don’t-care-attitude. The nope-I don’t-give-a-rats-behind-attitude.

Not good. Period.

So how much did I gain. Well, let’s take a look at the numbers. You know I have never been shy about that. I have always been honest with my numbers, my weight. So, here ya go. I will start back in April, when things were going pretty good…April 6 – 137.4; April 13 – 139; April 20 – 138.8; April 27 – 142; May 4 – 141.2; May 11 – 139.8; May 18 – 139.6; May 25 – 142; and June 1 (just last week) – 146.

WHAT? 146? YIKES. Since the beginning of April, I have gained 8.6 pounds – that is nearly 10 pounds. TEN!!!! I know, not a big deal, right? Wrong. It is big deal. To me, it is.

So, why? Honestly, there are a couple of different factors. One, the weather. Yes, I blame part of it on the weather. I was getting so pissed off (sorry about the language) because we didn’t really get a spring and I didn’t get to see the sunshine much. It was crappy, cold, wet, miserable and I let it get to me. I let the weather win.

Two, my attitude. Like I said earlier, I developed the I-just-don’t-care-anymore-attitude. I wanted to eat and I didn’t care about what I was eating. I just ate. Plain and simple. I didn’t track. I didn’t do a thing, but eat. Pizza. Cake. Cookies. Chips. Ice cream. Cereal. Waffles. Fast food. Greasy food. Fatty foods. Salty foods. Whatever was “bad” for me, I ate. And I didn’t care a thing about portion sizes. I ate until I was stuffed silly. Miserable, really. Gut ache and all.

Three, my sister. I think the death of my sister finally really hit me. It finally hit me that she is gone. For good. She is dead. I know, it sounds weird – awful, really. But I really think it finally hit home. Hit my heart with a big, ol’, BOOM, POW! I got mad. I got sad. I got angry. I got depressed. I got stupid. I thought food was going to help heal my heart, my sadness, my soul. But I know better than that. It won’t. It didn’t. It made it worse, to be honest.

It seems like everything I have been preaching to my Weight Watchers members, I should have been preaching to myself. I guess the ol’ saying, “Practice what you preach!” really fit perfectly with me.

In all actuality, I kind of felt like a fraud. Yes, a fraud. I know this is stupid, but because I am now a Weight Watchers leader, I feel like I have to be a “PERFECT” role model. Even though I know I don’t have to be. Yes, I have to be a role model, but I don’t have to be a PERFECT one.

In truth, I am still a Weight Watchers member, just like the rest of my members. I have the same struggles and battles as the rest of my members. Even though they may not think so, I do. I am still me on the inside even though the outside of me is different. Does that make sense?

Well, I finally woke up to the madness. I am back on track. I am back to eating healthy – well, for the most part! I have never totally given up any of my favorite foods and I don’t ever have any intention of doing so. But, and this is the biggest BUT of them all…I just don’t eat them all the time. AND, I am back to having control over my portions. If I want something, I have it. Maybe not a ginormous amount of it, but I still have it.

I may have had a temporary setback, but I look at it as feedback, not failure. I am learning from it. I am gaining valuable information. And, I am back to being in control over my food instead of my food having control over me. And that really is key. It’s okay that we have a little misstep once in awhile, but then we have to gain that control back. And I feel like I have.

I actually can’t wait to step on the scale tomorrow morning in front of one of my Weight Watchers co-workers. Yes, I do this every week…no matter what the scale says. Just like my members, I am not only accountable to myself at the scale, I am accountable to someone else! And yep, she has been watching my weight climb, which, again, just like my members, is not a fun thing to happen. I feel like I have disappointed her, as well myself. Even though I KNOW I haven’t disappointed her.

I know I am NEVER, EVER disappointed in any one of my members in the 13 meetings I do each week. They never disappoint me no matter how bad of a week they may have had. Why? Because I have faith in every single one of my members. And I always tell them they need to have a little faith in themselves. Which, I guess I did practice what I preached. I found the faith in myself that I lost for a little awhile. And it sure feels good to have it back.

We ALL struggle from time to time, but it’s how we deal with it that matters. It’s whether or not we decide to get back on that horse and ride or say, forget, it’s not worth it.

I know it is ALWAYS worth it because I am worth it. And so are each and every one of you. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I certainly appreciate it. And I also appreciate any feedback you want to give. If you feel like sharing your own story, do so. You can submit a comment below or feel free to send me an email – send it to either celbeam@gmail.com or confessionsofaformerfatgirl@gmail.com.

And remember, you can always check me out on Facebook, which is kept up-to-date a little more often than my blog lately! You can view my Facebook by clicking here.

Thanks and take care!

6 thoughts on “Where have I been?

  1. Celeste – THANK YOU so much for coming back to us! I’ve missed reading your blog. I completely understand how you feel like you have to be a perfect role model. I’ve also struggled with “perfection” thoughts myself and it’s tough to get around. Congrats on getting back on track!!!!!! I love reading your blog – good, bad, ugly or otherwise.

  2. I’ve been kind of wondering where you’ve been lately, as I’ve missed your blog too. We all experience setbacks, and it’s SO easy to have happen, but the true measurement of success is being able to get back on track. I know you can do it!

    The part you wrote about being a role model kind of hit home for me. I too have stood on the soap box telling people they have the power to change. At the same time, I know how much I struggle some days to maintain what I’ve achieved. I feel a little like a fraud encouraging others when I’m not even sure I can do it! We have our own doubts, but we can’t show them because others rely on us to be strong.

    You’ve discovered the key, though: Even role models need a support system. I’m glad to hear you are looking to your WW friends for help. It is the truly strong people who realize that nobody can do it all by themselves. By admitting that you need help staying on track, you are proving that you truly are a role model! Keep up the good work Celeste!

  3. Wow, your blog sure hit in so many levels. I don’t know how it feels to lose someone very close, but sure know how to use food to numb feelings …
    I’am not a ww leader,but sometimes I do feel like the role model for our company ww’s. There is positive and negitive to this. I really like to show and tell how this does work, but also their are people out there just watching and waiting for a person to fail, or slip up and not get back up again….We are Strong and We can do this. Some days when I feel like I lost it, I seem to just pay attention to my signs or surroundings. Example(The other day went a different way and got to see the clip on Rachael Rays show about a young gal who lost 240 plus lbs and it was with WW, That was awesome!! She said here motto, “Eat to Live, not Live to Eat”..Mine was pretty much the same. “Food for Fuel”. So we can do it. One day, One hour, or Minute to Minute. :) Your Rock!!

  4. I’ve been checking every week. So glad you are back and can admit your little blips on your life’s journey. Back in control! That’s always a good feeling!

  5. I actually just found your blog today. So now I will have to go back and read all of it.

    This blog in particular is great. I started WW back in December and have done terrible. I think I have only lost 6.2 lbs. So not that we want to see people fail, but it is nice to know that everyone else struggles too. Hope that makes sense. Keep up the great work!!!